How to Not Tell Your Kids Off (From a Son’s Perspective)

Not many people can say this with conviction, but I think I had a great childhood.

I grew up in a home filled with love, happiness and laughter, where screaming fights and fevered arguments were rare. And for this I have my parents to thank – though there was no shortage of friction between us as with any normal family (differing expectations, different life choices and just the nitty-gritty of living together under one roof will inevitably produce friction) but my parents had the whole scolding thing figured out very well, so there was very little toxic anger or disagreement to strain my relationship with them.

If screaming fights or temper tantrums are a problem of your household, here are some simple tips from my parents to you, delivered by a son who grew up happy, content and loved even through the difficult times of life.



1. Teach, don’t tell

Instead of being the authoritarian, über director of your kids’ lives or the scary dominant figure brandishing the whip and shoving them down the right path, take a step back and be their mentor. Not their friend or buddy, but the wise, helpful guide that gives out pearls of wisdom they can choose to take or not.

When I was a young and silly brat, FIFA was my game of choice and I was glued to the screen for hours on end. My wise parent-guides didn’t resort to scolding, though – they just told me the consequences of my actions again and again. They never instructed me to get off the computer, just let me know that I was “frying my brain”. Then they surrounded me with equally interesting leisure options – Mechanix, encyclopedias, crosswords, sports… things that appealed to the same fun-seeking part of me.

But at the end of the day, it was up to me to make the right choices, and they told me they trusted me to make them. And so I did. Which brings us to our next point. 


2. Respect their autonomy and let them cultivate self-responsibility


You see your child climbing a high wall, teetering back and forth – your heart is in your mouth, and you’re sure he’s going to fall. But before you burst forth shouting for Junior to get down and begin your long lecture on the importance of safety, hold back and wait. He might not fall.

And if he does, he does. He suffers a sprained ankle, and the next time he sees a high wall he won’t be in a hurry to climb it again, I assure you.

Its tempting to want to shield your children from all the nastiness of the world, but this is often the root cause of many a wedge driven between a well-meaning parent and child who didn’t understand. How many times have you heard the wailing of a kid who couldn’t go out to play in the rain or the slamming of the door of a fuming teenager who was forbidden to date?

What my parents did to avoid this? They made me take responsibility for my own actions. I remember the time when I didn’t want to go to bed – my mom said nothing and simply let the pain of sleep deprivation and grogginess during school the next day teach me a lesson. “What were you expecting?”, she later said, and I shook my head in shame and regret. When I accidentally skipped an entire question on a test I thought I had in the bag, all she said was “I told you overconfidence will hurt you”, and then she let me cry it out.

They wasn’t any additional scolding for my careless mistake, any berates for my irresponsible behavior, no lectures or emotional blackmail. I made the right choices for my own sake; my parents knew that life was a harsh enough teacher and that they didn’t need to rub salt in my wounds.



3. Have A Sense of Humour


Growing up, my dad’s jokes were legendary, unexpected, and repetitive – and we laughed every time. He had a strange knack for defusing a tense situation by saying something weird. 

I grew up in a small town in India, so when, say, mom and I had had a fierce argument, the last thing we’re expecting is for dad to say – ”No one shouts so much back home in Manhattan.” It made no sense. He had never even been to Manhattan.

But – smiles would break out around the dining table, and the tension would dissipate.

Having a quirky, bizarre sense of humour would undoubtedly help, and I’m working hard to develop it.


4. Believe in the goodness of your child

Above all, my parents always believed in me; they were assured that I was a good kid at heart who would eventually find my way, never mind the occasional stumble and fall. Nothing quite breaks a parent-child relationship like the lack of faith in one’s own offspring – and believe me when I say that your child will know when you stop trusting them.

As a result of my own parents’ faith in me, though, I ended up feeling not only responsible for my own life choices, but also genuinely loved and appreciated. That fundamental safety net then made me obey more willingly, and apologize simply when I messed up.